To Forgive

There’s a rock band that has a song entitled “To Forgive is to Suffer”. I think many people share this view of forgiveness. They view it as an act of generosity, accepting harm to one’s self to bestow a gift upon the offender.

But that is not true. When we forgive, we do not do it for the other person alone. We also do it for ourselves. Forgiveness allows us to let go of our anger and to live peacefully.

Anger is a destructive and painful emotion. In Buddhism, it is considered one of the “three poisons”. When someone hurts us, our anger ignites like a flame. If we stay angry, the flame burns higher and higher. It can color our world and haunt moments that should be joyful with negative emotions. Also, keeping the fire burning inside us makes us much more likely to react with anger in other situations.

Sometimes we think that by making the other person suffer, we will relieve our own suffering. This is an ignorant and dangerous point of view. When we strike back at a person out of anger, we cause anger to arise also in him. The fire is spread to more people, growing hotter and causing greater suffering. Anger can very quickly become self-perpetuating.

True forgiveness is like a bucket of cool water. It ceases the suffering caused by a thoughtless act and begins the process of healing. However, more than a decision to forgive is necessary if we are to pursue this course. True forgiveness takes practice and skill.

The first step in forgiveness is to summon a calm heart. When we are hurt, we cannot make good decisions. Our breath is uncontrolled, our eyes water, and our view of the world is severely distorted. The information received by our brains is tainted by our powerful emotions. If we act in this state, it is likely that we will act out of anger and pain.

Breathing meditation can help us reach a state of calm. The breath is the key to the soul. By taking control of our breath we can also seize control of our wild, racing thoughts and emotions. When you are upset, breathe slowly and carefully. I like to use the following mantra when I do this:

Breathing in I recognize my anger
Breathing out I release my anger

This mantra is very powerful and versatile. I have also used it to calm nervousness and fear. Notice the language used. “Release” is a non-confrontational verb. If we view our effort to get rid of our anger as a war or struggle, then it is likely that we will become angry at ourselves if we fail at first. That doesn’t help anything!

Although we have now reached a state of calm, we are not ready to forgive. Someone has committed a hurtful act, and although we are not allowing that knowledge to effect us emotionally, the seed of anger is still sitting in our mind, ready to burst out at another moment.

True forgiveness comes from understanding. Once we understand the person who is hurting us, we can find a reason for releasing any desire we might have to be angry with him.

The next step involves meditating deeply on the other person and trying to understand their actions. When we are angry, we suffer. When another person behaves violently towards us or insults us, he is also suffering. Understanding his suffering is the key to releasing our anger permanently.

As an example, when I think of murderers, rapists, and other violent people, I know that they are very selfish people with a narrow view of life. I know that they can never enjoy the finer things in life, such as loving human relationships. Their selfishness and anger will prevent this. They will hate their families, hate their work, and despise their “friends” when they are not all drunk together. They seek happiness by hurting other people, but they only fall deeper and deeper into misery. I do not feel anger towards such people, but pity. If I could do one thing to such people, I would not want to punish them or hurt them. Instead I would change their hearts so that they could see the great suffering they were causing in themselves and others. Then they could learn to act with compassion towards their fellow beings.

I don’t think that anyone would want to experience the life of Hitler. He was a man driven by anger and a lust for power. He despised other human beings. He must have suffered greatly. He could never find the joy that comes from recognizing the great beauty found in all mankind. Any friends he had must have loved his power and not his being. Given the choice, I would rather experience the life of one of Hitler’s victims than of Hitler himself. At least then I would be able to enjoy the beauty inside of me, even in the darkest situations. Hitler’s victims still had the opportunity to have found some joy in their too-short lives. Hitler did not have that luxury.

In the more mundane and common situations, a friend of us might cause us pain through a thoughtless action. The important thing to remember is that she is still the same wonderful person that you became friends with. When we bring to mind her good qualities, we will realize that her happiness and our happiness is much more important than holding onto our righteous anger. The best way to ensure your happiness is to forgive and continue enjoying the wonderful presence of your friend.

If we have already reacted with anger towards a friend that has harmed us, it can be very difficult to take the first step. We must swallow our pride. They did the original wrong, but we have made the situation must more difficult. The first thing we should do is apologize to them for our wrongly-directed anger.

I had a friend that hurt me. I did not speak to him for several years. I condemned him. However, he was a very good person outside of those few moments when he hurt me, and he did not deserve the condemnation I gave him. I wrote something similar to this to him:

“I am sorry. I was very wrong to be so angry with you. You hurt me, but you are still a wonderful person and a great friend. I should have never harmed our friendship. Please forgive me for acting so harshly.”

I did not suffer from doing this. Instead, I am very happy.

When you are capable of doing that, you have become a holy person. You are making small miracles happen in your relationships. You are very powerful.

Your friend might still be angry with you. She may react to your peaceful words with angry words. You have been thinking about reconciling with her for some time, but she has not had the same length of time to think about it. This can be hard to endure, especially if she caused the original harm. To reconcile with a person that you have already been angry with takes more than a bucket full of peace, it takes an ocean. You will have to be prepared. You will have to meditate. You will have to breathe mindfully. You must become an ocean of peace. Only then can you overcome the great raging fire that you have built.

I will end with a koan that my roommate Robbie (a very peaceful man) once told me.

There was once a famous monk and Zen master that practiced in a monastery in feudal Japan. One day, he was summoned by a great general.

“I send many of my enemies to the afterlife in every battle, yet I am ignorant of it. Tell me, monk: do you know the nature of heaven and hell?” said the general.

“Yes”, replied the monk.

“Describe to me what they are like”, said the general.

“You are too ignorant to comprehend it”, said the monk.

At that, the great general became very angry. His nostrils flared and his face turned red. He unsheathed his sword and prepared to execute the monk on the spot.

“Impudent monk! I am going to kill you!” screamed the general.

“Stop!” said the monk. “That is hell.”

The general paused for a moment, dumbfounded. He dropped his sword and fell to his knees, covering his face with his hands.

“I am sorry, monk. You are a truly wise teacher. Can you forgive me for the awful act I almost committed?” said the general.

“And that is heaven”, said the monk.